Killing out of passion: When love goes crazy

Over the past few months, the country has witnessed numerous cases of men killing their partners. These cases of violence have shocked society while tearing open the implicit rule of silence regarding domestic violence. What are the causes and why do lovers kill each other? News on Sunday reports.

According to clinical psychologist Vijay Ramanjooloo, various factors explain why love affairs end in murder. The first factor is the individual. “Every person has his/her own. They have their own story and emotions. Not everyone can control their frustrations or emotions. In most murders, we see atrocious violence being used. In many relationships, aggressiveness takes over when a person can no longer differentiates between “me” and “you”. One partner starts to think that his better half has become his property and the idea of sharing is difficult to accept, thus things worsen,” he says.

The alleged abuser does not understand that the other one needs his/her own private space and they need their own freedom. This kind of abuse is often seen in men who enjoy to be more dominating, says the clinical psychologist. In our patriarchal society, the husband controls the wife and there are no limits to his powers. “If she cheats on him, he punishes her or kills her.”

Another factor put forward by Vijay Ramanjooloo is the space taken up by technology in relationships. “Technology has its positive aspects and at the same time, it is having a negative impact on relationships. Technology is killing communication within couples. There was a time when people were patient and used to wait weeks to receive a reply from their loved ones. Nowadays, couples cannot even wait for five minutes to get a reply.”

According to the clinical psychologist, adults fail to differentiate between reality and pleasure. “As a child, when one would cry to get something, he would get it easily. But once grown up, things change. We cannot get whatever we desire instantly. We have to wait and be patient to get something. When one does not get what he wants, he gets frustrated easily.” The economic climate is another contributing factor. “The cost of living has increased manifold and hence couples feel the weight of frustration.”

Vijay Ramanjooloo says that sensitisation is very important to reduce such cases. “First and foremost, it is important for a person to listen to his inner emotions and work on them. It is essential to teach children how to handle their feelings from a young age itself. Just as we teach biology, there should be classes to teach people how to deal and control their emotions. Likewise, each religion should have classes for couples who are going to be married. The sessions can prepare them for their life after marriage.”

Psychotherapist specialised in relationship, Christiane Valery reveals that frustration is one of the main causes of crimes of passion. “In a relationship, one of the partners tends to dominate the other. He/she tends to think he/she is stronger than the other one. For example, they are frustrated when they have to share their beloved one with other people. This possessiveness results in anger and frustration.”

The psychotherapist advises couples to opt for counselling. “As soon as a couple finds that it has become difficult to handle frustration and there is something wrong within their relationship, they need to seek help from a psychotherapist who will help them to find stability. Therapy will help them gain confidence in themselves first and work for the relationship.”

Karuna Rajiah: “Frustration may cause people to become violent”

Psychologist Karuna Rajiah highlights that a child who witnesses violence as a kid, projects similar behaviour as a grown up. “Bandura is a famous social psychologist who set out to find out what effects watching violence on television would have on children,” she explains. Initially, he conducted the ‘Bobo doll’ experiment, where children witnessed an adult beating up an inflatable doll whose name was Bobo. The results of the Bobo doll experiment showed that children who witnessed an adult pummelling the doll were more likely to be aggressive too. The children were not only imitating the adults, but they came up with new ways to hurt Bobo. 

That is how Bandura suggested that people could learn by observing and imitating others’ behaviour. Since questions about violent media and video games persist, Bandura’s research becomes relevant. It also caters for the fact that children who witness violence turn out to be aggressive when they grow up too. “But again, this entails a gender issue as well. One of the hypotheses of the experiment that Bandura conducted and was proved right is that boys are more aggressive both verbally and physically while girls are physically aggressive,” explains the psychologist.

According to Karuna Rajiah, when children join schools, they learn ways to modify their behaviours. “Teachers in preschools help children mould their behaviour to prepare them for primary schools. There, teachers do their best to teach children positive behaviours. All teachers cater for the needs of diverse learners in their classroom. The rest is up to the parents who are the first teachers of their own children. What they teach the children in the first few years remain in the minds of the kids as new information is acquired, be it good or bad.”

She argues that people who are violent have been part of violence in different forms at some point in time in their lives. “This violence has impacted them. Sometimes, frustration may cause people to become violent or aggressive because it becomes a means to get rid of what is bothering or hurting inside. Low self-esteem and inferiority complex other factors that can trigger violence.” 

Violence does not form part of an individual's development process. It is not genetically acquired. It is developed within the individual because of some external factors. A persons goes through developmental milestones in life. But it is not sound to say that developmental delay may lead to violent individuals. There may be certain conditions that may lead people to become violent. Again it will be due to external factors. Sometimes, feeling rejected in society, no sense of belonging to a group or community, poverty, unemployment, stress at the workplace, being harassed, and feeling of insecurity may lead people to become violent. During the development process however, what the individual learn and memorize will decide whether he will become violent or not.”